Sing when you’re winning

I was listening to the radio the other day and accidentally stumbled across some young people’s music, in the shape of Eminem and Rihanna’s duet Love the way you lie. It features the frankly ridiculous lyrics ‘Now you get to watch her leaving out the window/Guess that's why they call it window pane.’ Actually Mr Mathers, I don’t think it is. (I assume he’s spelling it ‘pane’ rather than ‘pain’. Either way it’s annoying.)

This got me thinking about some of the other stupid song lyrics out there (I’ve left out Ironic by Alanis Morrisette as otherwise we’d be here all day). First up we have Vanessa Williams. In Save the best for last she sings ‘Sometimes the snow comes down in June/Sometimes the sun goes round the moon.’ No it doesn’t. And if it did the earth is probably about to fall victim to a cosmic apocalypse.

In Life, Des’ree tells us that she’s ‘a superstitious girl’ and because of that keeps ‘a rabbit's tail’. Which is probably why she hasn’t had a hit since 2003. Foot, Des’ree, foot.

Next up, Elton. In Your Song he sings ‘If I was a sculptor, but then again, no, or a man who makes potions in a travelling show.’ Ah yes, that well known job title ‘potion maker in travelling show’. Salary negotiable.

A few others were obviously playing truant during English lessons (plus biology and geography). Poodle-haired rockers Van Halen state that ‘Only time will tell if we stand the test of time’ (Why Can't This Be Love?). This is both a tautology and stating the bleedin’ obvious.

Vanilla Ice is busy ‘killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom’. Mushroom poisoning generally causes gastrointestinal upset and, in rare cases, organ failure. But it doesn’t kill your brain. Bottom of the class, Ice. He’s joined in detention by his early 90s cohort Snap who is apparently as ‘serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer.’ That’s just rude.

Also at the back, probably throwing things at the teacher, are Talking Heads. In Once in a lifetime they helpfully inform us that ‘There is water at the bottom of the ocean’. I think technically the ocean is made of water, but at least they’re close.

I could go on but I’m going to stop. Hammer time.